I am a logical person.  Step one, leads to step two and so on and so on.  I try to leave emotion out of my decisions, although it is entirely impossible to do so.  Like, as a I made my case for another baby to Nate, it was about timing, space and so on.  Even though I am emotionally involved in all my decisions, they have to make sense logically before I make the decision.  But this lack of emotional backing puts a strain on my relationships.  I shy away from making friends.  When I meet someone new and listen to then talk about problems and so one, I get irritated.  Everything seems to lead back to the original decision.  Why would you be upset that you can’t pay your bills but still carry a $100 a month cell phone?  Why would you be upset about working so much and never having time for your kids when you could sell a giant camper and get rid of a payment?  Why would you buy a four wheeler when you have no money?  That is my fault that I get irritated, but it feels like someone sending needles up my back.  I want to shake them and tell that it could have been avoided it they would of have thought it out.  I don’t care really what people do, but don’t use me as a complaint center.  And that is when it happens, I speak up and people don’t like me afterwards.  You would think I would have learned to sit and listen and not speak, but no, I haven’t.  For now, it easier to have very few relationships in my life.  The more I have, the more I stress out about what I said and if I hurt someone.  And I do stress hard about it, I always know what I could have done different and I always apologize (I have done many many times), but I can’t seem to let go.  Luckly for me, Nate is similar is this way.  He has gotten better over the years, and he can better recognize people that will tolerate his opionion well.  At twenty-seven, I wonder if I will ever aquire that skill.

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