I have been the product of a divorce, I don’t like it and I don’t like it when it happens around me.  So, this post is dedicated to divorce – what I don’t like about and my experience with it.  I will start out with my parents.

When I was six my parents split.  To this day, I really still don’t the exact reason why.  I think there was some adultery involved.  My parents handled it great, I rarely heard a negative word about either parent.  They made functions together, split duties and made sure their beefs where not within earshot of us.  I love them both and don’t fantasize about them being together.  They have created wonderful lives apart.

This brings me to now, two wonderful people in my life are not together anymore.  I don’t know the real reason why, nor does it matter to me, I love them the same as I did before.  My love is not conditional.  My issue with this separation is the kids.  And it is not just this one couple – all of my step brothers and sisters have divorced.  I have reitives how stuggle to stay together and more and more and more.  So, I have collected a few thoughts on divorce in general, not one in particular. 

First – the divorce is from your spouse, not your kids.  You created kids with this person – deal done – you are in their lives forever and they are in yours.

Second – Do NOT judge.  A single parent has the right to date, and they must do so with discretion.  A parent has the right to marry whom they want – that is why you got divorced in the first place. 

Third – Do not bombard a person with a list of issues.  Instead have a separate conversation and discuss each one separately.  Otherwise a person may be made to feel inadequate and it can lead to more and more issues and the original does not get solved.  (This one can be made into any relationship)

Fourth – Do not allow your kids to know that you are angry with the other parent.  They will just blame themselves.  Do not tell them a divorce is in the future until you have packed your bags.  This will just hurt them more if you work it out and then don’t and then do and the cycle continues…..

Fifth – If you are a stepparent, butt out.  This is the mother and fathers child not yours.  You are there to support and guide your spouse.  If there is an issue – the parents should deal with it.  If you have something to say to the ex – let your spouse say it.  Otherwise you have two against one or two against two and then you have four opinions flying around.  The stepparent did not create this child – nuf said. 

Sixth – All parties involved should understand that all these relationships are about the bettering of children.  We should not ignore them.  We should not go months without seeing them.  We should not make them feel unloved.  We should make time for them.  We should ask them how THEY feel.

Seventh – Above all – love and forgive.  For all you religious people, you know what I am saying (I am not 100% on the subject)  Think about what would happen if that person died.  Your last conversation may be the very last. 

Eighth – Nobody is really out to get you.  It is all just a series of pain and hurt that keeps welling up.  If they’re no kids, then cut the strings.

Ninth – Nobody intends on getting married just to get divorced.  We did love each other at one point and for good reason.  Look for what you saw was good, don’t focus on bad, it just hurts.  But it does help you feel better about all the reasons the divorce happened.

Tenth – Love your children unconditionally.  If you do not like how they are being raised, be more of an influence on their lives.  If all they see is what you don’t like – you won’t like them. Case example – I know one person who has a daughter every other weekend.  This little girl is a brat – mean, bites, yells and MORE!  The part-time parents will not take her on their weekends.  Or if they have something better to do, they won’t take her.  They say she is just too mean and nasty to be around.  HOW DOES THAT HELP HER!!!!!!! Wouldn’t you think she felt abandoned?  What if you just can’t have her, but you want her – don’t you think she would still feel the same way?  She doesn’t understand why you don’t see her, it becomes easier to dis attach then to wonder why someone isn’t around anymore. 

Enough ranting.  Like I said, I wrote this about no one and everyone.  I don’t plan to ever be in this position.  But lives have a way of changing and growing.  I HATE divorce and I HATE that it happens.  Just please love your children even though you hate their other parent.  They did not do this to themselves – this is your fault.  Do not judge each other – we are all doing our best.  Just love and forgive and weight will be lifted.

 

P.S. – PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT!!!!

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